In today’s episode of The Rich and the Reckless, former president and full-time grievance machine Donald Trump hurled verbal furniture at The New York Times, offended that they had the gall to report Elon Musk might be briefed on U.S. war plans involving China—because, you know, nothing screams “national security” like whispering military secrets into the Bluetooth earpiece of a guy who sells Teslas and memes.

The Times dropped a story suggesting Musk, who has the kind of business ties to China that usually require their own tax bracket, would get classified intel if things go nuclear with Beijing. Trump, clutching his pearls from the Oval Office (a fantasy location he still pretends to occupy emotionally), assured reporters: “Elon wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t want to put himself in that position.” Because if there’s one thing we know about Musk, it’s that he hates attention and definitely doesn’t put himself in compromising positions. Ever.

Naturally, Trump followed up by calling the Times “the enemy of the people,” because it’s 2025 and originality has been outlawed.

He claimed they had “fake sources or they don’t have sources,” which is ironic coming from a man whose main source is usually whatever flashed across his TV five minutes ago.

The Times, being the corporate adult in the room, didn’t respond immediately, probably because they were busy fact-checking another 300 lies per minute. But their report stood tall, awkwardly quoting two unnamed U.S. officials—because apparently, journalism still exists even if nobody respects it.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon did its best impression of a sitcom dad trying to cover up a broken vase. Their spokesperson initially welcomed Musk, saying they were “excited” to have him over like he was a visiting foreign exchange student, not the potential leak vector of the century. Then, just to keep things spicy, they reversed course and labeled the whole thing “100% fake news” via an X post—because naturally, top-secret military communications are now being clarified on a site run by the very guy they’re briefing.

The Wall Street Journal, not wanting to miss out on the circus, confirmed the existence of the classified briefing… and also Trump’s denial of it. Because who doesn’t love Schrödinger's intel drop?

Musk, never one to let a publicity moment pass un-grabbed, called the Times “pure propaganda” and suggested prosecuting Pentagon leakers. Strong words from a man who regularly tweets like he’s running for class clown at a prepper school.

Not one to let a good tantrum go to waste, Trump also took this moment to pile on CNN and MSNBC, because it wouldn’t be a Trump press moment without awkward media vengeance. He declared both networks were failing so hard, “I think they are going to be turned off.” Not canceled. Not bankrupt. Just—switched off. Like a lamp he’s tired of yelling at.

He even referred to them as “illegal” last week. A bold legal interpretation from someone who treats the Constitution like IKEA instructions: skimmed, misunderstood, and mostly ignored.

So, in summary: Trump hates the press, Musk is possibly being treated like a part-time spy with a LinkedIn addiction, and everyone’s pretending this is normal.

Sleep well, democracy. You're doing great.